Saturday 20 October 2012

The Power Of Vulnerability

Shame is a fear of disconnection - the notion that 'I'm not good enough' and this is underpinned by vulnerability

There are two types of people - those with a sense of love and belonging, worth, and those without. Those with it, believe they are worthy of it.

WORTHINESS

Have...

Courage - to be imperfect
Compassion - to be kind to oneself first then others
Connection - as a result of authenticity, being yourself rather than who you should be

Embrace vulnerability - what makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful

Vulnerability is the birthplace of fear and pain, but also joy and love

We numb vulnerability, but you can't selectively numb emotions. When you numb the negative you numb the positive too and then feel miserable which leads to a dangerous cycle.


We make the uncertain, certain = BLAME - a way to discharge pain and discomfort


EVERYONE IS IMPERFECT, BUT ALL ARE WORTHY OF LOVE AND BELONGING

BELIEVE 'I AM ENOUGH'


http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

The Despair Of Compare



If there is one word of wisdom I can offer you today it’s this: stop comparing yourself to those around you.
The days of keeping up with the Jones or the Smiths are dead and gone. Stop looking at the other guys car, because if you knew the truth of it all, you’d probably be glad to know that you don’t have to pay his monthly lease bill. I have seen it time and time again – especially in tough economic times – the shedding of top end vehicles and multi-million dollar mansions because the vehicles and properties were never owned by the occupants in the first place. They were owned by the bank.  So stop comparing yourself with others and their stuff.
The only person you should be comparing yourself with is you and your last week, month or year’s performance.
Here are some questions to prime your personal comparison pump -
  • How far have you come?
  • What skills have you added to your resource in that time frame?
  • How much more money have you saved?
  • How much bad debt have you reduced?
  • How many credit cards have you cut up?
  • What have you produced in the past twelve months?
  • What new mentors have you added to your circle of influence?
  • What new friends have you added to your circle of peers?
  • How many people have you positively influenced?
  • How much money have you given to your church or charity?
  • How much time or effort have you volunteered for no charge?
  • Have you grown as a person?
  • Are you more in love with your spouse and your children than last year?
But don’t’ spend one minute on a comparison analysis with someone else. It’s a total waste of time.
And as someone once told me, ‘If we all put our problems into a hat and then picked out of it someone else’s problems, we’d all ask for our own back.’
Learn to live in a state of dissatisfied satisfaction. Enjoy today, but continue to dream and hope for a better tomorrow. But whatever you do, don’t waste today worrying about what you could have done yesterday. Learn from yesterday, but don’t stay there. Do better today than you did then, and you will be assured of a better tomorrow.
Make it your focus to only compare your today’s efforts with yesterdays – with a constant mission to improve. This will set you up for some hugely successful tomorrows.
And remember this, that to compare yourself with others will only create one thing – despair. Don’t go there!

http://www.motivationalmemo.com/the-despair-of-compare/

Tuesday 16 October 2012

The Tyranny Of Shoulds



Theory of the self

Horney also shared Abraham Maslow's view that self-actualization is something that all people strive for. By "self" she understood the core of one's own being and potential.[10] Horney believed that if we have an accurate conception of our own self, then we are free to realize our potential and achieve what we wish, within reasonable boundaries. Thus, she believed that self-actualization is the healthy person's aim through life—as opposed to the neurotic's clinging to a set of key needs.
According to Horney we can have two views of our self: the "real self" and the "ideal self". The real self is who and what we actually are. The ideal self is the type of person we feel that we should be. The real self has the potential for growth, happiness, will power, realization of gifts, etc., but it also has deficiencies. The ideal self is used as a model to assist the real self in developing its potential and achieving self-actualization. (Engler 125) But it is important to know the differences between our ideal and real self.
twins
The neurotic person's self is split between an idealized self and a real self. As a result, neurotic individuals feel that they somehow do not live up to the ideal self. They feel that there is a flaw somewhere in comparison to what they "should" be. The goals set out by the neurotic are not realistic, or indeed possible. The real self then degenerates into a "despised self", and the neurotic person assumes that this is the "true" self. Thus, the neurotic is like a clock's pendulum, oscillating between a fallacious "perfection" and a manifestation of self-hate. Horney referred to this phenomenon as the "tyranny of the shoulds" and the neurotic's hopeless "search for glory".[14] She concluded that these ingrained traits of the psyche forever prevent an individual's potential from being actualized unless the cycle of neurosis is somehow broken, through treatment or otherwise.

Be mindful day in day out

Tuesday 27 March 2012

I've been down the very road you're walking now It doesn't have to be so dark and lonesome It takes a while but we can figure this thing out And turn it back around

"It's Only Life"


Died in the world, you've been cornered by a natural desire
You want to hop along with the giddy throng through life
But how will you learn to steer when you're grinding all your gears?

You've been talking for hours
You say time will wash every tower to the sea
And now you've got this worry in your heart

Well I guess it's only life, it's only natural
We all spend a little while going down the rabbit hole
The things they taught you, they're lining up to haunt you
You got your back against the wall
I call you on the telephone, won't you pick up the receiver?

I've been down the very road you're walking now
It doesn't have to be so dark and lonesome
It takes a while but we can figure this thing out
And turn it back around

Acceptance

It is was it is...

Sunday 18 March 2012

What good is it to sing helplessness blues, why should I wait for anyone else?

Fleet Foxes - Helplessness Blues


I was raised up believing I was somehow unique
Like a snowflake distinct among snowflakes, unique in each way you can see
And now after some thinking, I'd say I'd rather be
A functioning cog in some great machinery serving something beyond me

But I don't, I don't know what that will be
I'll get back to you someday soon you will see

What's my name, what's my station, oh, just tell me what I should do
I don't need to be kind to the armies of night that would do such injustice to you
Or bow down and be grateful and say "sure, take all that you see"
To the men who move only in dimly-lit halls and determine my future for me

And I don't, I don't know who to believe
I'll get back to you someday soon you will see

If I know only one thing, it's that everything that I see
Of the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak
Yeah I'm tongue-tied and dizzy and I can't keep it to myself
What good is it to sing helplessness blues, why should I wait for anyone else?


And I know, I know you will keep me on the shelf
I'll come back to you someday soon myself


If I had an orchard, I'd work till I'm raw
If I had an orchard, I'd work till I'm sore
And you would wait tables and soon run the store

Gold hair in the sunlight, my light in the dawn
If I had an orchard, I'd work till I'm sore
If I had an orchard, I'd work till I'm sore
Someday I'll be like the man on the screen



How to Win Friends and Influence People

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

  1. Don't criticize, condemn, or complain.
  2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
  3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.
  4. Never show others that you are not interested in what they have to say.


Six Ways to Make People Like You

  1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
  2. Smile.
  3. Remember that a person's name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
  4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
  5. Talk in terms of the other person's interest.
  6. Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.


Twelve Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

  1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
  2. Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say "You're Wrong."
  3. If you're wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
  4. Begin in a friendly way.
  5. Start with questions to which the other person will answer yes.
  6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
  7. Let the other person feel the idea is his or hers.
  8. Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
  9. Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
  10. Appeal to the nobler motives.
  11. Dramatize your ideas.
  12. Throw down a challenge.


Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

  1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
  2. Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.
  3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
  4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
  5. Let the other person save face.
  6. Praise every improvement.
  7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
  8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
  9. Make the other person happy about doing what you suggest.

When you face the sun, the shadows always fall behind you

What you face grows in your life, what you ignore falls behind you. But if you turn and look only at the shadows, they become your life. Such was Helen Keller’s brand of optimistic thinking, which many of us could use. Indeed, the way we choose to see the world creates the world we see


http://www.truewhisper.com/get/downloads/wallpapers/inspirational-wallpapers/face-the-sun.htm

Think helpful, not positive