Shame is a fear of disconnection - the notion that 'I'm not good enough' and this is underpinned by vulnerability
There are two types of people - those with a sense of love and belonging, worth, and those without. Those with it, believe they are worthy of it.
WORTHINESS
Have...
Courage - to be imperfect
Compassion - to be kind to oneself first then others
Connection - as a result of authenticity, being yourself rather than who you should be
Embrace vulnerability - what makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful
Vulnerability is the birthplace of fear and pain, but also joy and love
We numb vulnerability, but you can't selectively numb emotions. When you numb the negative you numb the positive too and then feel miserable which leads to a dangerous cycle.
We make the uncertain, certain = BLAME - a way to discharge pain and discomfort
EVERYONE IS IMPERFECT, BUT ALL ARE WORTHY OF LOVE AND BELONGING
BELIEVE 'I AM ENOUGH'
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
Saturday 20 October 2012
The Despair Of Compare
If there is one word of wisdom I can offer you today it’s this: stop comparing yourself to those around you.
The days of keeping up with the Jones or the Smiths are dead and gone. Stop looking at the other guys car, because if you knew the truth of it all, you’d probably be glad to know that you don’t have to pay his monthly lease bill. I have seen it time and time again – especially in tough economic times – the shedding of top end vehicles and multi-million dollar mansions because the vehicles and properties were never owned by the occupants in the first place. They were owned by the bank. So stop comparing yourself with others and their stuff.
The only person you should be comparing yourself with is you and your last week, month or year’s performance.
Here are some questions to prime your personal comparison pump -
- How far have you come?
- What skills have you added to your resource in that time frame?
- How much more money have you saved?
- How much bad debt have you reduced?
- How many credit cards have you cut up?
- What have you produced in the past twelve months?
- What new mentors have you added to your circle of influence?
- What new friends have you added to your circle of peers?
- How many people have you positively influenced?
- How much money have you given to your church or charity?
- How much time or effort have you volunteered for no charge?
- Have you grown as a person?
- Are you more in love with your spouse and your children than last year?
But don’t’ spend one minute on a comparison analysis with someone else. It’s a total waste of time.
And as someone once told me, ‘If we all put our problems into a hat and then picked out of it someone else’s problems, we’d all ask for our own back.’
Learn to live in a state of dissatisfied satisfaction. Enjoy today, but continue to dream and hope for a better tomorrow. But whatever you do, don’t waste today worrying about what you could have done yesterday. Learn from yesterday, but don’t stay there. Do better today than you did then, and you will be assured of a better tomorrow.
Make it your focus to only compare your today’s efforts with yesterdays – with a constant mission to improve. This will set you up for some hugely successful tomorrows.
And remember this, that to compare yourself with others will only create one thing – despair. Don’t go there!
http://www.motivationalmemo.com/the-despair-of-compare/
Tuesday 16 October 2012
The Tyranny Of Shoulds
Theory of the self
Horney also shared Abraham Maslow's view that self-actualization is something that all people strive for. By "self" she understood the core of one's own being and potential.[10] Horney believed that if we have an accurate conception of our own self, then we are free to realize our potential and achieve what we wish, within reasonable boundaries. Thus, she believed that self-actualization is the healthy person's aim through life—as opposed to the neurotic's clinging to a set of key needs.
According to Horney we can have two views of our self: the "real self" and the "ideal self". The real self is who and what we actually are. The ideal self is the type of person we feel that we should be. The real self has the potential for growth, happiness, will power, realization of gifts, etc., but it also has deficiencies. The ideal self is used as a model to assist the real self in developing its potential and achieving self-actualization. (Engler 125) But it is important to know the differences between our ideal and real self.
The neurotic person's self is split between an idealized self and a real self. As a result, neurotic individuals feel that they somehow do not live up to the ideal self. They feel that there is a flaw somewhere in comparison to what they "should" be. The goals set out by the neurotic are not realistic, or indeed possible. The real self then degenerates into a "despised self", and the neurotic person assumes that this is the "true" self. Thus, the neurotic is like a clock's pendulum, oscillating between a fallacious "perfection" and a manifestation of self-hate. Horney referred to this phenomenon as the "tyranny of the shoulds" and the neurotic's hopeless "search for glory".[14] She concluded that these ingrained traits of the psyche forever prevent an individual's potential from being actualized unless the cycle of neurosis is somehow broken, through treatment or otherwise.
Sunday 10 June 2012
Friday 6 April 2012
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